tuesday 4.8.25
i've been behind on my work. i'm kind of addicted to the bit so the bit always takes precedent over whatever the fuck i'm actually supposed to be doing lmfao. case in point what i've been up to recently. as well as the horrible shit that's also been going on recently.
hung out with the ff7 from several past posts again on saturday evening. we got food in town (a pizza!) and it was so so crowded due to admitted students day at a big school nearby. worse than valentine's day. we drove around kind of aimlessly after that. i almost convinced myself that i needed to drive to canada to buy cigs but i talked myself out of it in the end lol. kind of been mech pilot pilled since that day as well. we ended up in a cemetery for a little bit. it was pretty cool and i got some nice pictures. a little scary though lol.
after that we picked up someone who is no longer one of my friends. we drove out to vermont together to dick around. i got a polaroid of a random guy out of it. i ended up staying awake until 5am-ish with ex-friend and another person who probably isn't my friend anymore either. i think that was the last time i saw either of them while still maintaining a positive perception.
the next day (sunday) i got food with ff7. i ended up sleeping over at his dorm. we took the bus over and when i left, also on the bus, i ended up forgetting my car keys. on monday after class i hung out with the girl i went on a date with. i think we're settling into being just friends which is nice. i also got my keys back. my mom called me and asked why i was on testosterone and i hung up on her. also went to the store with a friend i hadn't seen in a bit after that and we bought a block of cheese and crackers and a tray of mini cupcakes.
today i called my mom back after class. she cried on the phone with me about how it was such a surprise. she made me promise to see a therapist but not one of the school ones (because they support transgender people lol). i messaged the ex-friend after because i wanted to hang out with her and vent and chat but i wanted to grab dinner first. ran into an acquaintance who, upon hearing who i was on my way to see, pulled me aside and told me she had sexually assaulted her on a trip last semester. i ended up bailing on my original plans and hanging out with her instead. we talked a lot and i'm sad i didn't get close to her sooner. i don't really ever want to talk to that (ex)friend again. or our other mutual friend who knew from the very start. it feels crazy that i never realized, but there was really no indication that something had happened. i remember picking the two of them up from the train station back then. i hope i can make up for the time i lost and hang out with her more, especially before her exchange year here ends.
i feel so emotionally drained and torn up. i spent like 2 hours just driving around and another half hour screaming my lungs out in a parking lot. i don't rlly want to think about how i'm gonna navigate all my relationships from here. everyone here knows each other/is friends with each other and people are gonna notice when i stop hanging out with those two. i guess i'll deal with it when it happens.