sunday 4.20.25
i can feel myself slipping into a psychotic episode and it frustrates me that i can't do anything about it except warn my friends (and i don't even really wanna do that). i started ascribing meaning to things a few weeks ago without even realizing (seeing deer as an omen, lucky numbers, etc) and that developed into a preoccupation with a specific person who i don't even talk to (kind of a tell tale symptom for me). i've been really paranoid. just feeling weird in general.
tuesday 4.15 i had to go to health services. my wisdom tooth has been weird and it turned out that that was what was causing my persistent sore throat. i studied with fool at the qcac that afternoon. spoke with ak in the dc briefly (i think). time feels weird and remembering things is difficult these days.
4.16 hung out with ff7. i don't remember what we did but i got drunk afterwards. i think i snorted caffeine at some point. ran into ex-friend too. she hugged me and i almost cried. had to sit in the public bathroom at the library for a bit to gather my wits.
4.17 tried to do my work on the floor at ak's mod. it worked for a bit. i remember feeling really, really bad. had a migraine start up and drove to the cvs to buy painkillers. spoke to ri briefly. i drove like 30 minutes afterwards to get donuts (one for me, one for d). i felt out of control. i had to keep calling and texting people to make sure they hadn't killed themselves. d was having a really bad time & we ended up at the diner. i think i got high after.
4.18 went to the used bookstore with pr. i found nox by anne carson which was incredibly exciting. i went to the bridge for a bit, read through logs of student activities. i went to the show that was happening as well. this is kind of when i realized things were heading in a bad direction for me. i feel like i am buzzing with thoughts, with some sort of never-before felt feeling. i don't know. i went to the diner with d again after which was nice. felt horrible and gross, somehow, after.
yesterday. went to spring jam w/ q & their friend. it was weird. i felt so off-kilter. seeing people around was nice but i felt like i had to self-sabotage somehow. i had so much time left before i needed to go home but i felt like i couldn't be around normal people, like i had to hide myself away somehow. drove home early.
i've been thinking a lot. i feel like i keep going in circles.