sunday 3.30.25
woke up late, drove out to noho with friends (group of 6 of us). stayed in my dorm afterwards—felt weird. have been feeling weird since thursday or friday. sat in g1 common room sewing a little sock monkey for a bit afterwards (fire alarm went off midway through). back in my room now.
have been feeling off-kilter, socially especially. struggling to regain a proverbial footing with the group, now that who i'm usually talking to has shifted. talked to some friends about this a little bit but a&a were the two people who really knew the most about me at college. it's been strange having those people pull me so far out of my shell, sort of reverse the repression i'd built up in my teenage years, make me feel more comfortable talking about sex & sexuality, etc and then pull the shit that they did.
it's not really that losing them has been hard on me—i don't even really miss either of them, rather i feel bitter. it's the repercussions of our falling out that have been rippling through my life, not the loss of them as friends. i feel wrong-footed making jokes about sex (this sounds silly but i feel there are layers to it). it's like i can't gauge what i can and can't say out loud. i'm not really perceived to be a person who jokes around about sex/sexuality, partially due to ocd (fear of being seen as "wrong"/"perverted"), so when i make jokes in that context it comes off as shocking, surprising. like a reinforcement of the fact that i shouldn't.
in fact, i feel wrong-footed about sex in general. it's scary to dip try to dip my toes back into community, when i know he runs in the same circles. i don't want to see him in a context like that ever again. i've already cancelled plans i'd had for ages over this. sex is something so complicated and emotional for me, and somehow it's gotten harder to think about. i wonder sometimes if i really am aroace. maybe i just don't enjoy sex? but in ways it's fun. maybe i haven't had good sex? it's not really something i am currently at liberty to pick apart and there are more important things to worry about. it's just another feeling that settles in me and makes me feel unsure and unsettled.
i keep fucking up just in general too. nothing major but i know everyone has been stressed, kind of going through it, lately. it's not just me struggling. feels horrible anytime a stupid joke or "wrong" action makes someone snap (was told to stop talking + focus for studying, had one last remark, came off as ignoring the request for quiet. so stupid to be hung up over. but you know). i worry i'm being selfish, insensitive, non-stop. i know my friends don't really mean it. just sucks.
a few nights ago, opening night of midsummer night's dream, i felt off too. drove back from denny's in a heavy silence, only half-listening to what the others were talking about in the back. it felt rude to change our plans, to disappear to my room, but it felt like something in me was wound so tightly, wrongly, that i would die if i didn't spend some time away from people (even those i hadn't seen in ages, those i'd missed so much). maybe i'm overstimulated, maybe it's fatigue. maybe i'll have an autistic meltdown soon and this is all build up. in any case, i remember sprawling out on the road, hazards blinking, sucking in huge breaths of air, through some sort of haze. i remember that i felt like crying, that i didn't want to cry, that crying would have felt selfish.
it isn't a selfish act, just a vulnerable one. yet i didn't cry at all, then. not even alone in my dorm room, spiraling out.
i've been hoping things will even out. i'm convinced i'm in remission for depression. i've been doing so good, i'm off my meds, i'm not in therapy. i just hope that i haven't jinxed it all—i don't want to come crawling back to my psychiatrist, don't want to go back to feeling bad.