monday 4.14.25
i've been losing time again. days pass too quickly and too much happens.
i've been in a haze all week. on wednesday i met with my professor and walked to health and counseling with gr. also spent some time in town with d. i drove everyone to the game store but had to leave early because i felt off. left my keys with gr and took the bus back. i got high as fuck and fell asleep late. it sucked. thursday was weird too. it was a community learning day. ff7 and i drove to a shrine and then to an airfield. i stuck a needle in my arm in my car, just to feel something. i still have the bruise.
friday, i did some work. i had a research appointment in the special collections. after that though i dropped by the common room where my friends were making soup. my good friend (fool, we could call him), was making matzoh soup for passover, but a little early because of some complicated shit with other friends that has led to everyone being upset at each other. i was really upset on his behalf. the time we spent together that night was good though. the soup was yummy and ev taught me how to throw someone. i watched the last unicorn high with two other people at like 9:30 and it was really lovely. there were loose plans to go to a minecraft themed party, but we just got really drunk in a dorm room instead.
i spent time with fool in town on saturday. we talked kind of extensively about a lot of stuff i needed to talk about really badly. we talked about how we're the only two people in our friend group who havent paired off into couples and about romance/friendship/sexuality. also about the stuff with ex-friend. we did some studying too. it was good because i finally got a little bit of my work done. ff7 made kandi with us later that night which was nice.
yesterday was weird too. i finally dressed up nice which felt good. it was too cold for my outfit, probably but i thought it looked cool. fool and i went to get ice cream and then sat together in his room for a while. i felt like a lot of things about him clicked into place when we talked that night.
today i went to the reservoir with fool and ff7 after class. it was so warm and beautiful out and we met these sweet little corgis on our walk there. we also ran into some people from maryland who were visiting their friend. two biologists and an architect. we spent some time looking at newts in the water together and i wish i had gotten their instagrams or numbers. we drove to cvs to see ri afterwards, then to michaels. i ran into some people i hadn't seen in a while and went back to my dorm to take some time to myself. and now i'm writing this post.
i've been in shambles lately, in pieces. it feels like my life is falling apart around me a little bit, but i keep pushing through. i'm so behind on homework that i don't know what to do. i can't sleep. i can't get the energy to do anything. being in my room feels suffocating but i can't do anything to fix it right now. even showering is exhausting. i wish things were different so badly but i can't even let myself dwell. i haven't cried about any of it yet.